I have been reading with mixed emotions the stories
of houseguests and solutions! I have a houseguest
who will be in my home for three weeks and has not pitched in (unless
asked) with cooking, cleaning, shopping for food & liquor, or gas for the
car. How can I ask for reimbursement for a joint party we hosted
without ruining the friendship?
Dianna

Wow! What a friend! Dianna has come up against a problem that we all
face sometime in our life. What to do with do with someone who’s happy
spending our money. Whether that person is an out-of-town guest, an
officemate at work or a distant spendthrift cousin it’s often a tough
situation to handle. Largely because it has to do with how we view ourselves
and how we relate to money. Both issues are deeply ingrained in us and
often involve very complicated emotions.

I doubt that even the best psychoanalyst could help you answer both
questions in one column. So we won’t try to do that. What we will try to
do is to pose some questions that will help Dianna get closer to an
answer.

Let’s begin with how you view yourself. The first question to ask is do
you generally see yourself as a giver? Or as a taker? How aggressive
are you about getting what you feel belongs to you? Do you hold on to
things loosely or tightly?

The second question is how do you feel about how you see yourself?
Whether you’re a giver or a taker or somewhere in between, are you
comfortable with that picture? If you’re not happy with what you see do you
feel that you want to make a change? Or is it easier to stay with existing
patterns rather than try to change your future?

How Dianna views herself and how comfortable she is with that view will
make a big difference in how she relates to her friend. It allows her
to put the situation into a proper perspective.

The next question for Dianna to answer is how she views money in her
life. For some folks money is a cruel master. They see themselves
struggling to get enough to pay for life’s necessities. Money is very valuable
to them and must be tightly controlled.

At the other extreme are people who view money as ‘fun tickets’ - to be
used to increase life’s pleasures. Money has little importance to them
(unless they run out of it!).

Somewhere in the middle are people who consider money to be a tool.
Like most tools it can be used properly or improperly (with appropriate
results). They see money as having value, but attempt to keep it in a
proper perspective.

Now that Dianna has a frame of reference she’s in a better position to
decide what response is consistent with the person she wants to be.
Let’s look at what options she has.

Dianna could do nothing. Just continue to spend extra money on her
visitor and not ask for help or reimbursement. While her friend would
probably be fine with this choice, Dianna might not be. After all, unless
there’s some other reason that we want to maintain the relationship, at
some point we begin to lose respect for ourselves if we let someone take
advantage of us. Of course, if there is a good reason, then Dianna can
be a generous hostess and forget about the cost.

Dianna could also gently ask for some help and reimbursement. The
method is really quite easy. Next time you fill up your car, make sure the
visitor is in it and mention that you paid for the last tank and could
she pay for this one. A similar strategy works for the groceries or even
cleaning the toilets.

She probably won’t get a 50/50 split of work and expenses this way. But
the friend has gently been put on notice that Dianna won’t be taken
advantage of. Don’t be surprised if she cuts her visit short. If she was
merely there to take what she could, she’ll leave when she realizes
that’s ending. It may have a sad ending, but you’ll quickly find out how
good a friend she really is.

If Dianna really feels put out, she could be a little more forceful
about asking for help. One way to do that would be to list the expenses,
making it clear when they’re presented that the assumption is that the
visitor would want to pay her half.

On the other hand, Dianna may look at herself and her friend and decide
that being repaid really isn’t that important. It could be that the
relationship goes back for years and is more valuable than the money
involved. Or it could be that the visitor is a family member and family
harmony is the main consideration.

Dianna may decide that she needs to take actions that aren’t very
comfortable. If so, she shouldn’t postpone taking action. That’ll only make
it worse. She can stay strong knowing that she arrived at the decision
in a calm, intelligent manner and the end results are for her benefit.

In any case, she’s made a decision with her best interest in mind. She
has considered her self-worth, the friendship and money. Each has been
given proper importance and her decision reflects that. Whatever choice
she makes, Dianna has put herself in position to achieve the best
possible outcome. 
______________

Gary Foreman is a former financial planner who currently edits The
Dollar Stretcher.com website. You’ll find hundreds of articles to help
stretch your day and your dollar.